Crossroads

Okay. Finally graduated. Okay, okay, breathe. Breathe.

Since I left the classroom, writing has not been so easy. I question my opinions a lot more. I take much more into consideration. The optimism of youth escaped me for a minute there. A great impact on the paths we take is our dreams and visions change. In university, you are constantly learning new things, analysing new challenges and subsequently ideas flood your brain every other hour! Now that we have to actually involve ourselves we end up having to choose a focus area or even scaling down our commitment to some of our dreams and interests.

When I moved to France to work on a contract basis, I was so excited. It’s good to explore the world when you want to change the world. I remember meeting up with two of my classmates in Paris who were in France under the same program. We had always poured our hearts into trying to promote development and here we were, where we always thought we wanted our country and continent to get to. The reality of how far we had to go was just soul-crushing. I drafted so many pessimistic pieces stemming from my disappointment but decided to shelve them because I don’t want that to be me.

Then we recovered after a couple of months. When you’re abroad many people will ask you what you want to do to stay overseas. Some of our colleagues didn’t want to go back immediately but some of us were even more drawn home. We all made different decisions. Major divergent in our journey as peers, what next?

Our paths are completely different. Especially studying a course like international relations where our career options are so diverse. What is perfect for one of us would be a dead end for another. Therefore we are always trying to figure out, what we want your current experiences to do for us.

Seeking out opportunities is the biggest hurdle. Then having to choose between opportunities to determine which is best in the long term. Our peers are choosing between continuing studies and pursuing careers. Many people are struggling to get opportunities and that makes those with choices even more pressured to be grateful and make sacrifices and compromises. We want to be sure we’re not lost and honestly, we don’t know that much. It’s really scary.

We are trying to create niches for ourselves. Trying to make an impact while taking care of our financial security, and making the impact we have always desired. Trying to get a footing in the world and watching each other for tips and ideas on how to do it. No one wants to be left behind but we are different in our talents, skills, experiences and interests. So we are trying to progress while keeping our identities intact.

I celebrate my peers. I’m happy to have the people around me making moves and succeeding in different areas. It’s really inspiring and I hope we can continue to inspire each other to be agents of change while shaking things up wherever we end up on whichever path we take.

Annabell.

Characteristics of a Narcissist: Kenyans’ relationship with the government

Sweet democracy. A government for the people, by the people. Only in Kenya right now it’s like the government is treating Kenyans like they are a separate entity from the government. Economic times are apparently hard for the government necessitating tough measures, but you citizens sort yourselves out? And I could not help noticing how some of the similarities between the government and narcissists. This relationship between Kenyans and the government is not a healthy partnership. Let’s look at it shall we…

• Lack of empathy

Narcissists do not have empathy for others. According to my basic internet research, narcissists actually do understand the pain, thoughts and emotions of others, they just are not moved to act with compassion on this.

So the government knows that with that 30-50k salary life is a struggle, but they are very okay with increasing taxes because. Well, they want the money. Which brings us to the next one…

• Unrealistic sense of entitlement

Narcissists expect others to take care of their desires. They have unrealistic expectations of the people around them, expecting people to go out of their way to meet their needs.

The obsession of the government to increase taxes, to prevent people from having extra money because why should you have it and they need it? When the country is crippled with inflation, how is taxation the thing that has chosen to be made a priority? Because they are thinking about how GOK needs the money, not citizens’ needs really.

• Lies

Narcissists often lie to get what they want and to portray a narrative that supports their point of view, behaviour, or situation.

GOK does not even have the nerve to be honest with Kenyans. I mean, personally I always felt they were lying because they were making the most outrageous impractical, populist, promises- as usual. And now they have just gone deep dive into it. The gazetted inflation rate is allegedly not correct. It’s way higher in reality but GOK doesn’t want citizens to know. This is such an unnecessary lie, Kenyans will feel inflation what is the point of the lie.

• You like them less as time goes on

It so happens that narcissists tend to make a great first impression due to their perceived self-confidence, but this impression declines over time due to lack of depth.

This one is for the people who had so much love and faith in this government. Who are now sharing caricatures of how the government is taking from them, and hurting hustlers. It’s so sad it’s comical!! The hustlers are just now realizing the relationship was sold differently. Unfortunately, they can’t walk out and we’re all the kids dragged on in the abusive relationship.

• Projecting blame

In order to avoid responsibility, Narcissists project blame onto someone else.

You will notice how the measures of the current government is basically telling Kenyans “Do more. Do better. Improve. Give more.” So now it’s Kenyans’ fault that the country has no money and is struggling. Instead of thinking of ways we can be more productive for our own good as well as the government’s, They are saying ‘give us more and make more okay!’ Why should we be taxed more, spend more, contribute more, and then be asked to help feed the starving people? How can you aid when you yourself need aid and the government said aid is bad and removed subsidies?

So take a long hard look at your position. And in 2027, I hope I won’t have to write a blog titled: ‘Toxic relationships with narcissists- Why it can be hard to leave.’

Annabell.

That kind of beautiful

You know how sometimes you want to say something, but you feel like it will expose your issues so you’re like nah just don’t. That’s how I’m feeling about this piece. That if I write I will seem like I’m obsessed with validation, shallow to some extent, or just self-esteem crippled. But hey, here goes.

So since about a year ago, I’ve lived in and explored new parts of the world and really enjoyed it. One of the biggest culture shocks, apart from the public smoking that is practically French culture, was how I seemed to be considered attractive! Now, these are majority Caucasian, a good number of mixed race people, and sometimes Indian and Arabic friends. I will just give highlights of my favourite compliments – yes I remember them, that’s how much they stuck- and the nationalities of the compliment givers. The girls would always ask which sports I play to look so good (German, Bosnian, Bolivian, French). ‘You are very beautiful’ (Americans I met in Reunion island and ironically also Americans I met in the Islands of Greece). They complimented my hair- natural, straightened, braided (Bolivian, Arabic, Spanish, Indian). My style was complimented (French and Spanish) even before I switched up my whole wardrobe and as recently as last week. Best one, people just telling me how beautiful I am for no reason, just walking up to me and saying it and walking away.

Now, I thought I’ve improved in appearance recently- maybe with age and maturity? I do skin care and work out and wear perfume. I thought these things I was doing changed me a lot. But when we shared throwback pics, my Kenyan friends insisted I haven’t changed. So I was even more confused because growing up if only time my looks came up: ‘you’re not the kind of pretty for turning heads’ (which now I do?), ‘you don’t have a memorable face’ (what was that!?), ‘you’re more memorable for being smart than pretty’ (I won’t complain about that one but so unnecessary), ‘you dress like you don’t care’ (I care, and I thought this looked good but now have to pretend I don’t care). I was at the supermarket once and a guy said ‘sasa mrembo (Eng :Hello beautiful)’ and his friends said ‘nani? Huyu? (Eng: Who? This one?)’ and they burst out laughing so hard.

Let’s digress a bit. I was on the Kenyan subreddit (an online community) and they asked the hypothetical question of which neighbouring country Kenya would merge with. Different opinions were fronted from different political, social, and economic angles with good foundations on the EAC political federation getting good challengers. In the comments, some of those who chose Ethiopia said it was for the beautiful women. The Kenyan poll answers were doing rounds in other countries’ subreddit. In both the Ethiopian and Somali subreddit they asked ‘how can you choose the women of another country over your own? We would never do that!’ And it is true, the gatekeeping of women culturally and religiously in those communities doesn’t give outsiders such a kind welcome.

I thought to myself, growing up ‘pointies’ (mixed race ) were just the beauty standard! Arabic, Indian, or Somali hair = beautiful. Long African hair puts you up there as well. Colour preference was pointies, then the other light skins, chocolatey and fading into dark. I tutored students during my time in campus and let me tell you the discrimination is felt even more in those posh schools because you are surrounded by pointies, Indian, and white girls, and dark girls suffer especially as teens. There are obviously exceptions but generally, that’s how it is. So you can understand my shock that people who are considered prettier than me at home are just dishing out compliments like there is no tomorrow.

I posted this on my WhatsApp status following an evening of more compliments than I expected on an evening out with friends.

Response from a friend in France

Response from a friend in the USA

When I came home this summer I was now getting more ‘you’re pretty’ comments. I should mention at this point skin colour is likely the reason. They say ’something is different about you I just don’t know what!’. If they read this, they’ll know. My face used to be 3 shades darker than my body. I now use Vitamin C serum and wear sunscreen so my skin tone evened out and my face got lighter than it used to be but now is just the same colour my chest, hands and legs have always been. But now I’m beautiful. Riddle riddle …

This blog post is way longer than I expected. But it’s okay. And the misgivings I had at the beginning are gone. Kenyan beauty standards are discouraging and colourist. On top of that, people do not focus on your good features- we just have a yay or nay system. There’s nothing like celebrating everyone. Then if you feel bad you’ll be reminded that looks don’t matter…

Annabell.

Movement

My friend and I carpooled (a verb that I did not use some months ago, but well here I am carpooling), we carpooled with a delightful man to Geneva, Switzerland. A 1hr drive from a beautiful town on the Eastern side of France called Annecy that I had impulsively visited. Fun fact, I touched snow for the first time in Annecy and to be honest my excitement was short-lived. I was so excited but after touching it and making a snowball, I was done. It is basically just the white stuff in the fridge but in huge quantities. Don’t get me wrong though, the beauty of mountains layered with white snow is breathtaking! Lots of snow is extremely beautiful. Ah! Honeymoon me, please.

Anyway, back to Switzerland. So this guy works in a hotel in Geneva and lives in Annecy (The beautiful town I had gone to, which has a beautiful lake with snowy mountains around it.) He drives every day to Geneva and back to his family in Annecy. This was amazing to me. We all know how Switzerland is super rich! As one of my students used to say, ‘The first thing on everyone’s mind when they hear of Switzerland are the famous Swiss Banks.’ The banks that our Kenyan politicians use to hide their embezzled money. Tsk! I am now angry! (Breaths in, breaths out). Please vote and vote unconventionally in the next election.

Well, Switzerland is rich! And if you work there, they pay really well! So our driver works in Switzerland, earns a lot of money and spends it in France. We all know if a country is rich it means it’s expensive (this might be a lie, don’t listen to my false facts). Our driver spends his wealth in France, which is a way cheaper country compared to Switzerland. In my mind, I was like, ‘You clever guy! Earning millions but spending thousands!’

I found it amazing, I found it amazing that people in most of Europe (Schnegen Area) are allowed to do this. Are allowed to cross borders as they wish and work where they wish. The freedom to move. The freedom to move! The freedom to MOVE! To move your skills, your body, your mind. Okay, *for context purposes: Schengen Area is a group of European countries where if you have a visa for one of the countries, you can enter the rest.* I went to some of these countries and it was like going to Nairobi from Nakuru. Normal, free movement, it was crazy! But not so crazy.

And it is at this point that I realise I have no actual point to this piece of writing other than to inform you that the freedom to move like that felt good and made me feel sad that I haven’t gone to Tanzania or Lesotho. I have no idea if it’s cheap, but I know it is not cheap because I spent Ksh1500 on flights to other Schengen Countries, and it blew my mind. I don’t think I can do that in Kenya.

I want to see an Africa where it is cheap and affordable to travel within Africa. Affordable to go to Madagascar and to Angola. Visa-free to go to South Africa. Movement. Freedom. Take me there.

Take me to Uganda, to Kampala. Take me out to Zambia, to Lusaka. Take me out to Tanzania, to Dodoma. I really want to go kick it with them, this be my African dream, my dream, might not be yours and it’s okay, it actually is okay, we are all allowed to wish as we wish.

But first, earn me some money ;(

*Check Annecy (France) and Geneva(Switzerland) on a map. Yes, a map, Google Maps or a physical Atlas

Dawn Chemoiwa.

THE SHAME!

Are you a racist? You there, are you a racist?

Yes? No? Maybe? You don’t know? Can I repeat the question? Or am I not the boss of you now? (Malcom in the Middle)

Well, everytime someone called me from Kenya as I was living not-in-Kenya, they asked me if I had experienced racism. They all think it should be so obvious that I have.

But, if you know me well, you know that I have experienced racism and weirdly, it didn’t cut me to my core, but it rather made me feel sorry for him. Sorry that he thinks the way he does. Sorry that he is in a space that taught him this. It also made me feel sorry for people who experience racism in their daily lives, not that I don’t, but you know, for me it’s temporary, I have the luxury and security of knowing it’s not my home. Homes are meant to be a refuge and safe and comfy and freeing. My home is Kenya and I don’t really experience racism there, maybe colorism.

Apart from that, it made me feel sorry for myself. I was in a community where everyone knows everything, meaning everyone knew I was racified (is racified even a word? ), consequently most of them felt sorry for me, they felt pity. Pity is a not-so-positive reaction I would say, as I didn’t feel comfortable to be pitied. To be felt sorry for. This feeling makes you feel sad and want to hide. This feeling puts shame over you that shouldn’t be there in the first place. Shame that is brought about by the reaction rather than action. And this made me sad and want to hide.

Ah! The shame

Viola (Annalise from How To Get Away With Murder) recently talked about shame in the Netflix special ‘Oprah and Viola’. Viola says,

” When you are in the face of compassion and empathy, it is amazing how it kills shame because you are seen. And you are seen for something way more valuable than your circumstances. ”

Meaning, with shame you as a person have been reduced and minimised to the same level as your circumstances. It might all happen in your head, or people might do it to you either way, shame is a painful feeling. Shame cuts to the core and hurts. It smudges dirt on someone’s face and makes the person stink to themselves. We should all show compassion to everyone, I don’t really know how compassion looks/should look like but we(I) will learn.

Because shame is brutal and it breaks.

But well, Beyonce’s music gave me Queen Bee vibes for weeks and amazing people who were rather compassionate steered me on.

*I can only imagine how Cersei felt. ‘Shame! Shame! Shame!’. She must have been dying inside or not, it’s Cersei! I’ll rewatch that scene. (GOT fans, next up, Harry Potter!)

Dawn Chemoiwa.

Johnny Sparrow

I have been watching the court hearings of Jack Sparrow and his ex wife and they inspired me. I have not felt inspired for a very long time up until this case. Before this, I was actively looking for inspiration in forests, please take everything I say(write) seriously, I mean it, in forests, I have searched in the Aegean sea, in big cities and small towns, on top of buildings, in other people’s homes then in mine and in beautiful lit up cities but I didn’t find my inspiration in these places , I found it on YouTube, watching American News outlets airing the court proceedings of Ms.Heard and his ex husband Johnny Depp or (Johnny Depp and his ex- wife Ms. Heard)….. It all depends on who you are familiar with. For me it’s Jack Sparrow and his real life ex-wife, Ms. Heard.

Anyways, I am inspired and so I write as the inspiration still exists. I write not as I wrote before, but as I write now. I write as I am now, which is different. Finding inspiration in different things from what I normally did is weird and scary. Is new inspiration a by-product of the changed self? Of an evolved self? Of a better self? Of a worse self? I guess I really don’t know.

Any…ways..I am here. I have been on a Netflix mini-séries ride the past few weeks. And I have grown to learn that society is me and I should not separate myself from it. I watched a mini-series on rape, domestic violence, police brutality, racism and injustices. Before these mini-series, I had somewhat separated myself from all these aspects of society as I was neither a victim nor a perpetrator and more so I didn’t know people who were.

Back to society and me, I had separated myself from society, I lived in it but I did not participate. I was the bystander neutral member who didn’t choose a side. The grey area in a black and white situation. But now I have realized that all these things happen around me and to me and to people around me and my knowledge and participation in these aspects are keen to the collective growth of society.

Example, I now know about emotional abuse and how unreported and undetected it normally is. I now have a better chance of noticing it than before. Will I call it out? With my timidity, I doubt but I am headed there. Now I am a better member of society as I can add value, not as a bystander but as a participant. As a participant who is either black or white. It takes every one of us to be better for our society as a whole to be better. Ubuntu : I am because you are. I have never felt this in touch; with Ubuntu.

It is easier for one rotten potato to ruin an entire sack of potatoes than one good potato to heal a sack of bad potatoes.

Dawn Chemoiwa.

That small business of mine…

I sold chips, or french fries? Let’s say chipo to be clear. I peeled potatoes, chopped them washed them, cooked and sold them. I wasn’t making too much, maybe 10 k net in profit i.e., after rent, stock and electricity. I didn’t hire help so that I could effectively, pay myself that 10k. 

It was a small business with little traffic and small profits. It kept me busy when I was out of school because of COVID. I could buy myself a few things, buy internet bundles, go out a bit, and when school came back, I had fare for school (only for exams, everything else was online). I was honestly so proud of myself. I loved cooking, sang while cleaning, and counting the coins every evening. There was a sense of pride in myself. I was doing something! 

It honestly did not occur to me to think that what I was doing was ‘beneath me’. One day a customer with a big order came to the shop. I was happy generally to sell to my customers and was always patient and polite. He said to me “Jikaze na biashara, shule si ya kila mtu” (work hard in business, schooling isn’t for everyone).  He did not know me well so I ignored it. On a separate occasion, one of my lectures on finding out about my small occupation told me “Are you paying attention in class or just thinking about chips?” That one stung a bit because I’m honestly very active in class. Another time, I mentioned to one of my lecturers that I was also a math tutor and they assumed I stopped selling chips. They said “At least you are now doing something that is at your level.” At this point, shame started occurring to me. 

I was already handling a lot at the time. This ounce of shame that I was doing menial labor was tearing at my self-esteem. The comments of other people made me ashamed of something I had been so deeply proud of. I felt stupid for telling everyone how I sold chips and was doing everything with my poor little hands. I bent my head at work. I was frustrated at my pitiful profits- at least if I was making a lot of money, I would clap back with ‘it’s for the money!’ 

Around this time, I got my contract to work in France. I cannot explain to you how uplifting that email was. I’m tearing up just remembering it. They say moving from unemployment to employment is expensive. Transport, clothes, lunch, and other sustenance needs for the first month. Now try to account for that and make it in Europe! I was there still selling chips, because in as much as I would be making in a month what was profit in that chips joint for a year, I needed that small chips joint to raise me money for first month’s rent and a plane ticket. 

I wanted to ask future me for a loan so bad! I wanted to tell everyone that I was better than that chips joint. I wanted to prove that I was better than that. But I could not. I knew where I was going. 

Now let me clarify, I’m not successful or rich. I’m too young with too many opportunities to fail in future, I don’t know. I’m just on a journey. But damn it’s been something! When I see someone doing their side hustle in campus, I bless them in my heart. I know they are in campus because they want more. To get to where you want to be you have to pay for the trip.  

My close friends know how much I loved my small chips joint. I don’t know if they will be shocked that I was struggling towards the end.  

I really thought I am just lucky. But damn I worked hard. I’m going to congratulate myself for that. I have not been breathing. I stress over what I should do next. How I can be better. I deserve to breathe and just have fun for a minute. 

Whatever you’re doing, I hope you never feel shame. Want more, that’s healthy. But don’t feel ashamed or anything like that. If you do, I’m sorry and I hope you feel better. Be proud of yourself- you’re doing something for yourself! Above all, congratulations for everything.  

Annabell.

Developing

Development, we all talk about it, the underdeveloped and the developed and the developing. What really sets all these three levels apart? There is a lot of literature that explains it all. The question I’d like to answer today is what development means to me. Might be the same as all the literature, all the scholars but it’s my truth- whether similar to or different from the many other truths out in this world. 

Development to me is being comfortable. It’s the process in which people solve the issues and problems around them, it’s the process of making something more pleasing, something faster, something to be better. What is comfortability and who determines it? Humans obviously! I would buy a washing machine to make my life easier- no bending, no using my hands to scrub and turn clothes, I’ll use less water and cheap electricity (and get more time to watch series haha!). This to me will be a development in my life, something has been made easier for me.  In a larger scale, this applies to countries. People having a comfortable lifestyle. Have good health systems and education, live a good life. 

With this in mind, I wonder why development is such an issue in African countries. Who really doesn’t want a comfortable life. No one! Everyone wants good health care, education and good transport systems. But there are those who want it but just for themselves and care less of others. Hobbs says how humans are not naturally good but are naturally selfish hedonists. In Africa, the very people who should ensure comfortability for everyone, care about themselves. They self actualise in the pain and suffering of others. At this point, these humans are greedy, they aren’t just selfish. People drive development and the pace and level of development is shaped by who these people are and their substance. 

I would want a washing machine for myself but I would also like my neighbor to have one. If I was the landlord,  I would put washing machines in every single house I build or if not possible have a laundromat for all my tenants and if I cannot do that i’ll strive to and work my ass off to do so. But this African leader would have 10 washing machines in his house, each for a specific material of clothes and open an expensive laundromat for the tenants. 

“of the voluntary acts of every man, the object is some good to himself”

I’m not… But

We like to be valid I suppose. It’s why we cite our quotations in academic articles and definitely why research exists. Before I digress to my passions let me get back on track to what made me write this.

It seems to be a thing that when some people want to seem valid, they make themselves the less likely person to have the opinion they’re presenting. Okay that might not be very clear but it will be.
For example, “I’m not a fan of cake but carrot cake is amazing”. Or “I’m not a fan of African music but this band is great!” More specific “I’m not a fan of this band but this album is a masterpiece”.

Is it because the band is seen as cliché and you want to seem like a sophisticated critic? If you simply say you love the band, might it be brushed off as simply obsessive fandom? Are we afraid of having an opinion? Sheltering ourselves from the criticism a group of people might face?

That last question really made me think about how this dynamic of presenting our opinions is reflected in our interactions with social and political issues.
“I’m not political but…”, I’m not a member of that party but…”,” I’m not a feminist but… “, “I’m a proponent of peace but…”, “I’m not religious but…”. Proceed to complete the sentences with the views of the named group that are so obviously linked to that group but would seem special and more valid from a person who is not a member of the group. I don’t like to generalise but there are common aspects of many groups.
Oops I just did that!? This is very complicated to put into words but I’m trying. Okay it’s officially something I didn’t know I did until I wrote this piece.

Moving from the criticism of the speaker though, how do we perceive opinion? What is it about our perceptions that makes other people need to identify with or disengage from a group to give an opinion? If a political person tells you to vote is it less valid than when a skeptic of democracy advices the same?

I admit if an atheist told me how lovely a particular church is I’ll be more intrigued than if a member of the same church proposed the same idea to me.

Admittedly perception has a great deal of influence. I would however like to challenge you to give opinions regardless of group linkage. Try to give it from a point of your genuine drive and opinion. Don’t be too focused on being valid that you throw in a hint of how hard it is to have that line of thought. Don’t throw other people with the same opinion under the bus by proposing that yours comes from a higher motivation. Simply explain your motivation. It can help someone view a common idea in a new light. I want
Kenyan youth to vote. The politicians also want the Kenyan youth to vote (for them of course). I have the option of “I’m not political /a politician but I think voting is a good idea”. I also have the option of “I think voting is a good idea because we need to invest in our democracy”.


I need a whole different article to talk about youth and voting. Let’s chew on this first…

Reigniting an old flame

The time is 10:49 pm Kenyan time, a text pops up on my phone, it reads “What is something you want to change about the world?”. The text is from Annabell:on our Sis corner group that we share with two other mutual friends. Dawn says she would abolish capitalism and I say I would abolish gender inequality.

If you know me, you would understand how matters gender are so close to my heart. Annabell then adds that we should actually get rid of all forms of inequality and that made sense. Out of curiosity, I asked her why she randomly asked us that, her reply was she was looking for inspiration to write. ‘To write???’, Dawn and I wondered. ‘Your project or just.. writing.’ She then reminded us that she was part of a writing fellowship.

This small texting encounter then took us back to the days we used to run a blog and wrote about anything and everything about our daily life encounters. We also wrote about things that we are so passionate about. We went back to rereading what we wrote and that regnited a flame to write.

We then decide to awaken our writing spirit by reviving this blog that has been domaint for over a year. Yes! We will be writing about things that we often ramble about, things that we are passionate about and any other random thing that we encounter in our daily lives.

Walk with us through this reignited journey, an article at a time…

By Manoti Tracy